Many reformed singles are looking desperately for their perfect life partner. They agonize over whether to join an online dating service. I know a man who stayed at a church only long enough to check out all the prospects. Some go to a Christian counselor for help in finding their life partner. Maybe you are not like those mentioned above. But then again maybe you find yourself somewhere in there.

It’s been thirty six years since I’ve been single, but thirty five years of being a pastor’s wife and eleven years of biblical counseling has given me a bit of practical experience. Hopefully the following few guidelines will bring a measure of balance.

1. Focus on your eternal groom, Jesus Christ. Use every means of grace to get to know him more intimately. He loves you more than any human ever could and wants a close relationship with you. Mark 3:13 teaches that Christ called to him those he wanted and they came.

No one will ever know you like he does. No one will ever understand you like he does. No one will ever die for you like he already has. The more you keep your focus on him the more content you will be with what you have here. Dr. Tim Keller has a terrific sermon on this topic called The First Wedding (available on www.redeemer.com for a low price).

2. Ask God to help you find a balance. So often we are falling into the ditch on one side or the other on any issue coming down the pike at any time. The Bible has a perfect balance between what is and what should be. It contains the reality and the ideal in perfect balance. It shows us law and grace in complete unity. If the person you are pursuing is unbalanced and extreme in any area, keep looking. The only area where it is good to be extreme is loving God. What you see of extreme behavior in that person before marriage will often blossom into a much larger issue afterward. Be balanced and insist on balance.

3. Don’t be looking for the ‘perfect’ person to marry. If you find that person I can guarantee he or she will not be attracted to you. Because you are far from perfect. Don’t let that fact make you despondent. If you are a genuine believer you are already perfect: In Christ.

But you ask, "What should I looking for?"

Use Titus and Timothy as a measuring rod, not our secular culture. How often I hear unmarried adults say, “I could never marry someone to whom I am not attracted.” As though attraction is something static. Only a shallow person wouldn’t be physically attracted to a single person of the opposite gender who exhibits the characteristics that minister to their soul. You will be sexually attracted to your spouse to the extent that they love you. Obviously you don’t want to marry someone who is repulsive to look upon, but physical appearance is too important to many Christian singles.

Eileen Scipione is certified by the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors and the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship.