Barb Thomas (and her family) on the fight for sexual purity, especially among Christian young people

In late October, 2003, southern California was dry as a bone. Weeks of 100 degree weather had turned nearly all the vegetation into brittle, brown spikes. One flash of lightning later, followed by a road flare from a lost hiker, and this parched area was ignited into a huge wildfire. Within days it had turned into a firestorm. Seven weeks later, 26 people had lost their lives, four counties and 750,000 acres were burned, 3,600 homes were destroyed, and 13,000 firefighters from all over the United States were exhausted. Over 2.5 billion dollars would be spent over the next year by our government and the insurance industry to help people recover from the destruction.

The cause of this devastation went deeper than the flames. The damage was due primarily to a lack of fear on the part of many home builders and buyers. They did not heed the warnings about building in the middle of a semidesert chaparral prone to wildfires for centuries. They did not pay attention to the advice about building firebreaks. They did not follow directions about making windbreaks to help stop the autumn Santa Ana winds that typically reach 60 miles per hour, winds that can fan a small fire into a roaring inferno. They built homes and dwellings in places that were inaccessible to fire trucks. They built wood houses with wood roofs. They were not careful with fire. So the fire raged outside of the places it which it is supposed to be contained - fireplaces and fire pits, barbeques and campfire rings - and the destruction occurred, and people were left homeless, injured, and shocked.

As I stayed tuned to the newscasts during those weeks (we had friends who lived near the fires), I thought about how eerily similar that firestorm and its extensive damage was to the whole subject of sexual purity. Why? Over the past few decades, I have watched a lack of fear and obedience to God’s word combine to ignite a firestorm of sexual activity outside of marriage. I have dealt firsthand, in counseling, mentoring, and teaching situations, with the devastation it has caused.

Like fire, sex is a beautiful, God-created and God-glorifying thing when it is where it is supposed to be – when it is contained. But like fire, when sex is permitted to overrun its boundaries it turns incredibly deadly and destructive.

Over the years, I've noticed that when this subject comes up, most parents immediately want rules and boundaries that will “guarantee success.”  Some pose questions or make comments that give a revealing glimpse into their heart's motives:

“How far can I go before God considers it to be a sin?”

“But my daughter and her boyfriend need alone time. So, how do we help them have this, while still making sure they don’t do anything bad?”

If we’re going to begin with questions such as these, it may show that we’ve missed the point. Sexual purity is a heart issue, first and foremost.  It does not start with behavior, with rules or simply making sure no one does anything bad. It begins with a desire to please God above all else, and to glorify Him by becoming more and more like Jesus. In order to glorify Him, we need to know what He says about sex and sexual purity, and then we need to obey Him. We also need to surrender to, and trust in, His sovereignty in this area; God can ordain the stumbling and falling of our children for His purposes if He so desires.

Here is a short summary of where scripture begins on this issue:

First, His word says that God created us as sexual beings; sex is God’s idea. In Genesis 1:22, God blessed Adam and Eve and said to them, “be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.”  No sex, no mulitiplying.

Second, God tells us He designed sex for His glorious and good purposes; sex between a husband and wife inside the covenant of marriage is delightful…. pleasurable…. refreshing… worshipful… intoxicating! Read the Song of Solomon. Sex outside of marriage and not between a husband and wife, however, leads to heartache, destruction, despair, sexually transmitted diseases, guilt, lack of trust in relationships, higher divorce rates….the list of the ravages to human beings that sexual contact outside of marriage brings is seemingly endless. Unfortunately, these consequences usually last a lifetime. We read in 1 Corinthians 6:13 that our “..body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” Later, in the sixth chapter of 1 Corinthians, we see that God did not create sex to be just a biological function, like eating. It cannot be separated from its moral and spiritual components. Paul finishes this passage with:

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Third, we read that God commands sexual purity. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:3 that “among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.”

Lastly, His Word reveals that there is a copycat of sex, and its name is Lust. But Lust is not from God. Lust idolizes and trivializes sex, and does not glorify anything but Self. Lust wants what God says “no” to. It twists what is truth about sex and makes it a lie, and tries to weave lies into truths. Lust is not just a teen problem: it is a problem that every human being struggles with, no matter our age, sex, or race. Lust is not something caused by television or media or pornography: a blind and deaf man can struggle with lust. It is a condition of the human heart, and it is never satisfied. Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:19 that “having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.” The good news is that through the power of the Holy Spirit we can fight Lust and kill it. Paul tells us in Colossians 3:5-8 to, “put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”

Sexual purity does not begin, then, with a rule or a boundary. It begins with a heart that desires to honor and glorify and obey God, with the knowledge and realization that His plans for sex are good, righteous, delightful, and holy. It acknowledges, too, that we have missed the mark: our wicked hearts will always crave that which is outside of God’s wonderful plan, and what is outside His plan is sin. Jesus said in Mark 7:20-23,

"What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.'"

Sin grieves a Holy God, earning His holy wrath and justice. We do not fear this wrath enough. Our flesh’s desires are so very powerful…more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Therefore, we must learn to fear and respect what can happen when we disobey His word and give our flesh free reign. We must work hard to keep our flesh contained and directed towards a goal, and that goal is pleasing God by directing our passions towards one person – our spouse.

So, is that it? Is knowing and acknowledging these things enough to keep us sexually pure? Can’t we just affirm that sexual purity is, first and foremost, a heart issue, that sex is good in marriage, and sex is deadly and not God-glorifying outside of marriage, that every human struggles with lust and needs to surrender our fleshly desires to the Lord, and that God commands us to remain sexually pure for marriage? Can’t we just put up some rules and boundaries and call it good? No! And that is precisely why so many promises of sexual purity that are made to God, parents, and friends fail.

Nearly a decade and a half ago, a prominent group of evangelicals aspired to create a plan that would challenge teens and young adults in our country to stay abstinent and sexually pure until marriage. Thousands upon thousands of people – mostly in their teens and early 20’s - attended seminars, signed covenant cards, and promised their Lord and their parents and friends that they would guard their hearts and minds and bodies in Christ Jesus, remaining sexually pure until marriage. Volunteers and staffers were ecstatic at the turnout and the vast number of promise cards that were turned in. A few years later the data was analyzed and many of these teens and young adults were polled. The results were shocking: over 80 percent had failed.

Why? Each of these people undoubtedly desired to please God. Each of them surely wanted to be sexually pure as they walked down the aisle smiling at their groom, or as they stood at the altar awaiting their bride. Each of these young men and women most likely charged forth with Romans 13:13-14 on their lips:

“Let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.”

So, what happened?

I believe the reason that so many young people failed to keep their pledge to remain sexually pure for marriage was because they did not understand the power of the flesh and of our adversary, the devil. Therefore, they charged onto the battlefield alone, or with people too weak to battle alongside them: these young people overestimated their own strength and did not fight alongside their parents on those front lines.

Parents, I believe you are key in this area. God wants our children to learn about sex and sexual purity from YOU, not from the world. He wants you to teach them from His word, admonish them, challenge them, show them, encourage them, and, very importantly, hold them accountable. Moses tells us in Deuteronomy 11:18-20 that the Lord wants us to “fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gate.” You are to be intimately involved with your children in this area, from being an active part of the choosing of the young lady or man your child wants to court and wed, to teaching them from His word, being an example of Jesus, and loving them wholeheartedly. They cannot do this alone. Our children do not fully understand the power of the flesh, and having peers as their only accountability partners to help them stay sexually pure is like asking a toddler on the beach to be its own lifeguard.

I have intentionally left out a specific definition of “sexual purity.” That is because there are differences on how scripture is applied in this area. For example, some parents believe holding hands with a person in a courting relationship is not a good idea, while others believe it is fine. Some say an occasional light kiss on the cheek or the lips is okay, while others say that such activity is not God-glorifying before marriage. Therefore, fathers and mothers need to clearly communicate to their children what they believe scripture says about sexual purity, and their children need to honor and obey them. It is important, however, not to compare one family’s standards or actions with another’s; comparing is always dangerous as it can tempt us to become disrespectful and proud. Comparing ourselves with our holy God, on the other hand, keeps us humble, and thankful for His mercy.

Regardless of the interpretation of scripture in this area, there are a few basic principles that our family has found to be most helpful in the pursuit of sexual purity while courting. We are still on this journey with our children, and three of them have asked to write about those things they feel were the most helpful and practical as they pursued God-glorifying relationships with their actions, words, and thoughts in this area.  The following comes from our daughter Kellie, her husband Eric, and our son Sean (now in a courtship with a very sweet young Christian).

Have a humble and teachable heart (obey!).

Eric: I did not become a believer until I was 17 years old. After the Lord regenerated my heart, one of the first things that happened was that He began to teach me about my pride and selfishness, and how those things can get in the way of pursuing purity. When courting someone, it is so important to have a right heart before God because ultimately, everything comes down to pleasing Him and doing things His way for His glory. If pride and selfishness are in our hearts, it’s going to make it more difficult to want to please Him by obeying Him in the area of purity, and that means that our flesh will win every time.

One of the ways that God humbled me so that I was more teachable was through discipleship with my future father-in-law, and through God showing me those areas where I was not glorifying Him. I had a deep love for my future dad, but also a deep fear and respect of him which I’ll talk about later.

Stay in the Word (but not while together).

Kellie: It is so important to be on the same page spiritually with the person you are courting or engaged to. Because most young Christian couples truly desire to please God, many think that praying together is a good idea before marriage. After all, it’s a fact that very few married couples who pray together every night get divorced: reading and praying daily when married is extremely bonding. But that is also why I didn’t do it before we got married. Eric and I would pray over the phone occasionally, or we would encourage each other with scripture, but not in the presence of one another by reading the Word to one another. This way temptations were lessened. On our own, however, we tried to feed on the Word every day so that we were growing in our faith and falling more in love with our Savior, making Him number one instead of each other. We stayed close with my family, too, for teaching, discipleship, and mentoring in the Word during our courtship.

Communicate and stay accountable.

Sean: Probably the most important boundary for me in a courting relationship is to communicate with my parents about everything. I know that my parents will be consistent in asking me about everything I did when I have spent time with my girlfriend, where my heart was at during this time (if I was pleasing God or pleasing myself), if I was tempted in any way, and if I treated my girlfriend as a sister in Christ. I let them know where I’m going, who I will be with, and when I will be back. During the eight months I’m away at college each year, I still do this by phone and email, and I do it daily. My parents had daily communication with my sister and my brother-in-law when they were courting, and my brother stays accountable to them, too.

At the beginning of my courting relationship, boundaries were clearly communicated, and because of this, it makes me accountable for not just my actions, but my heart attitude, too. It is important to not only write down these boundaries and talk about them, but to also live by them day and night – you know, hear and obey. Some people may think this accountability to my parents squelches my freedom. Actually, it helps me be tempted less, and it makes my relationship with the girl I intend to marry more special and joyful.

Never be alone with a member of the opposite sex.

Kellie: This one was a toughie for me, but it is crucial. It was difficult to always be in the presence of someone else when we were courting, but we worked hard to please God in this area. For example, several years ago while we were still in college, Eric would drive up to visit me every few weeks. I lived in an on-campus house with 10 other girls at that time, and one night when we were watching a movie, the girls all started to leave. Eventually we noticed the last person in the house was getting ready to walk out the door. We were at a very exciting part of the movie, but we got up, turned it off, and went to a public place so that we weren’t alone in the house. Always being with other people removed any temptation to be intimate for me.

I admit, when my parents first talked to us about this boundary at the very beginning of our courtship, I was pridefully embarrassed that they would think I could fail. After all, I loved them, I loved my Lord, and I just knew that I would never let myself succumb in this area! Later, I apologized and repented, and I thanked them for sharing the truth and for helping me with this boundary. It is a fact: when alone with a person of the opposite sex, the mind automatically desires to start thinking about matters of intimacy with the other person, and we young people just don’t have a clue as to how powerful the flesh is! It is so much more powerful than I ever imagined. I’m thankful to my parents that we set boundaries to contain it beforehand.

Guard your heart, eyes, ears, and tongue.

Sean: Ephesians 5:4-5 says that there should not be any “obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.” I don’t struggle with obscenity or coarse joking, but I do like to be humorous and joke around, at times. This is why it has been so important for me to work on this area in my relationship with the girl I am courting. My speech needs to be glorifying to God, and this will only help her to please Him, as well. I have also worked hard at making sure that what goes into my mind – through music, books, magazines or movies - pleases Him, too. When we watch a movie, for example, we make sure it is appropriate and the content will not tempt either one of us, and we never watch a movie without a family member or friend present.

Spend time with future in-laws. Be discipled.

Eric: I was discipled by my father-in-law in person, by email (when I was at college), and by phone weekly for over four years until I married his daughter. I came to love and respect him, and because of this, I didn’t want to disappoint him or anyone in his family. I wanted to please my own parents, too, and be a testimony for Christ for them. These were huge factors in motivating me to obey the Lord by obeying the boundaries that my in-laws had set to help me stay sexually pure. I learned from my father-in-law what it meant to be a man of God and a godly husband, and my own parents, although unbelievers, had a faithful and loving relationship, too. My father-in-law was realistic with me, and he was tough with me in several areas that I needed to work on before I got married. All that communicated to me that I was loved, but it also made me have a healthy fear of what would happen if I did not treat my future bride in a way that honored her as a sister in Christ. That only increased my own desire and drive to stay sexually pure.

Several people made comments to me over the years about how they were shocked that I could “go that long” in a courting relationship without being married. My response was always, “yes, it can be difficult at times,” and I don't recommend that long of a courtship to everybody. But, in our case, it was necessary because of several situations. That was what God had ordained for us. I let these people know that the time frame wasn’t really the issue. What was important was having my heart in the right place and understanding what God’s purpose and plan was for me in my own situation, and that was to glorify Him. He gave us both the strength and the joy to accomplish what He wanted us to do on that journey, and I certainly didn’t suffer along the way.

Raging wildfires will continue to wreak havoc in our country. So will sexual immorality. There’s no doubt about it. There will be more destruction, more devastation, and more painful and lasting consequences. But we, as believers, should be encouraged. We have a sovereign and powerful God, and by His mercy and grace we can be used mightily as a testimony for Jesus Christ in the area of sexual purity. We have the power of the Holy Spirit to glorify Him with our own lives: we can elevate the covenant of marriage, honor Him with our families, and impact future generations for Jesus. It starts with a heart that desires to please Him (and our parents if we’re children), and ends with obedience. And if we fail, we can come to Him with a truly repentant heart and then begin anew. That’s as encouraging as seeing those once-burned fields in Southern California... now covered in wildflowers.

By Barb Thomas and posted at www.pastordale.com.

Source: http://www.pastordale.com/articles.asp?specific=152